.... Why can't I sleep?
When Mommas have opportunities to sleep in, they take them, right?! Not today.
Anxiety medication can only do so much, and this morning, it isn't working.
The semi-darkness of our living room feels like such a sacred thing. No one crying. No one speaking. No noise or motion. This time is mine. This Bible is mine. This moment is just for me; to fill me.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow....I fear no evil.
"Cast all your cares on Him....for He cares for you.
This level of stillness is something that I haven't felt for such a long time. There has always been a little somebody to follow me out, needing a snuggle, or breakfast or something at this time of day, and too often devotions sounded something like: "Lord...please give me strength for today..." ... and that was about it.
But this.
This reminds me why the winds obey Him, and the waves calm.
If I could have a sit-down conversation with Him this morning, this is what it might look like:
Him: "Ask what you will, child..."
Me: "Lord, are you sure? There's so much that needs fixing in me..."
Him: "Is anything too hard for the Lord to do?"
Me: "No, but I don't feel like I deserve to ask...I'm falling apart. Overcome by anxiety. Overcome by my own weakness."
Him: "Child, When I look at you, I see purity and wholeness, paid for by my own blood. Have no fear...."
Me: "My life, Lord, I need it back. It's broken beyond anything that I can change. I don't have the strength to put everything back together anymore. I don't even have the strength in me for today."
Him: "But I am your creator and sustainer. I promised not to give you more than you could handle. For today, that means that I am giving you the strength to make it through, victorious. This will work out for your good, no matter what it feels like because you are mine."
How many of us need to hear this, I wonder? We can. Every day. You and I both know that all those words come from the scripture; meant for even the weakest of Christians. He wants to talk with you this morning. What's breaking your heart? What's pulling you apart? What's that one thing that you need to see happen today? He wants to talk about it.
He may not give you a vision or an Angel with a scroll, but He promised that if you would ask, you would receive.
Go in after your peace today. Your strength. Your comfort.
He wants to bless you more than you want to be blessed.
You are loved.
6 comments:
this a beautifully said Anna, and so true, and though my struggles in life have never been as hard as yours, I know very what it like to having your world fall apart. Mine did almost three years ago now and it was so hard and painful, it took me well over a year to feel like I was back to ''normal'' but God used to grow me more then I could have ever imagined and I'm a far better person and stronger Christian today because of what happened. I will keep you in my prayers
-Rose
I am praying for you Anna.
Remember, we love you.
So beautifully said. Believing with you. We love you so very much. He is faithful.💕~Mom
Dear Anna,
I'm so sorry you've had such a rough year! We also lost our Baby Boy this year, at the same stage of pregnancy you were at. It has been the hardest miscarriage we've experienced. The baby boy everyone had longed for was taken to God, instead of growing beneath my heart, being born, placed in our arms, taken home to be loved upon by all.
It was also one of my hardest pregnancies, sicker than even my usual awful, and at times it is so hard not to question the meaning of all the suffering, and then loss. But, Like you, I choose to cling to the Lord, His Word, His promises, and Faith.
I know He knows, and I choose to cling to that when I feel weak, and cannot stand on my own. There are good days and bad days. Days where I feel, "Yeah, life feels better today. I am sad we lost our baby, but glad I feel alive and more healthy again, and can actually get things done around here", and then there are the days almost crippled by grief. Those are the days we have to cling to the Lord and beg His comfort and grace in our weakness.
We love you, Anna, and are praying with much empathy for you, Ethan, and your sweet girls. God bless and uphold you! - Sarah
Wanted to add a P.S. in case any of it would help. For me a Vit. B Complex is vital for keeping stress at bay. I take an extra on particularly stressful days, and it really, really helps. My Mom finds Kava Kava very helpful for anxiety. Calcium is also supposed to be helpful. hope this may help a bit.
Prayers for you, girl!
With love,
Sarah
Praying for you. Keep reading your Bible!! And read it for what it says...not what others say it says.
https://www.gotquestions.org/more-handle.html
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