This year has taught me a lot of things about myself - more than I ever wanted to know, really. So many crazy things have happened that I never expected.
Grief. Anger. Helpless waiting. Disappointment. Tears. Hurt. Loss.
Wow, that’s a big one. Loss.
Loss of strength.
Loss of hope.
Loss of my baby.
Loss of my two little girls on all the days that I was almost too weak to take care of my own self.
Everything taken.
“God, what are you doing?”
The worst days of hurting and hoping have taught me to work with my hands - there’s not much that a paint brush or an old pair of garden shoes can’t help ;) The days of weakness and physical incapability pushed my mind to dream.
I still don’t feel okay, honestly. Nothing seems alright. My whole self is raw and broken behind the fake-smiling and forced laughter...but every once in a while...now and then... I’m starting to see a glimmer of purpose in it all; good things, slowly easing out of the shadows - much like the little plants in my new front garden.
I don’t know why I’m sharing this. Maybe someone else is stuck in the valley, begging for one shaft of light to come searching down to them. If that’s you today, I just want you to hear a whisper of hope from someone who really understands.
Maybe nothing feels controlled or “okay” - but I promise you, there is so much love hiding up there behind the scenes. Those who suffer and can’t understand; yes, you and me: we will look back with teary eyes upon the goodness of God in the land of the living.
You are loved. You are useful. You are treasured.
And one more thing: Feelings do not define you. Grace does.
Never forget it.
3 comments:
Absolutely love this. It’s hard to believe how life’s path can lead through dark, lonely forests. But it’s through those very difficult, unbearable times that God becomes a reality...not just a God of yesterday, but a reality that carries us through, by His Grace and love. In the here and now we many times don’t realize we are being carried and it certainly doesn’t feel like “love”, but when we’ve come through the midnight and look back God begins to shine His light on the situation and we see His hand, His bigger plan, His love expressed in so many little details. You are an amazing lady. I admire you so much for how you have handled these difficult circumstances. Praying God continues to guide you until you break through into a new day. “...Weeping May endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” May your morning dawn soon!
I don’t even like to read but have really enjoyed your blog.Beautiful&Real 💕
Thank you both, so much. Means the world to me. *HUG*
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