Having struggled through anxiety attacks for the past few months (Not connected to Corona at all) my doctors suggested some time away from normal life to heal and relax. It takes a great deal of humility to admit that...I've always been one to try and "be there" for everyone around me - always stuffing emotions back down where they came from, ignoring my real feelings and choosing to press on. I thought this made me strong - but then it stopped working. My body revolted.
Feeling weak and guilty, I found myself walking through the airport with my little blue carry-on bag, bathing in hand sanitizer and scrutinizing the plastic-gloved, paper-masked people hustling to and from their terminals.
One thing was very obvious: None of us wanted to be in this near-empty airport. Me, because it felt like failure. Them, because fear was so thick you could almost taste it.
Some people are sure that Covid19 is nothing more than too much media hype. Others are convinced of a national emergency.
The conclusion of my observations on this whole thing, is that almost everyone is nervous about some aspect of this. Some are hiding in quarantine, some are literally fighting for breath in the hospital, some just wash their hands and carry on as normal - but overall, everyone is in the same boat as me; overtaken by circumstances that they can't control, and feeling uncertain.
From my own journey through fear and anxiety, I have learned three things that I wish I could shout from the rooftops:
#1. That God is always in control.
#2. That in spite of knowing everything is okay, sometimes it doesn't feel like anything in your world is "controlled" or "alright."
#3. That God knows that.
Often as Mommas, and particularly as Christians, we feel the need to personify strength for ourselves and for others. This is a noble cause, but I think we often overlook the fact that yes, God does ask us to trust Him through hard times, but He doesn't ask us to lie.
He allowed us to be human; fearful, incapable and full of weakness. Why? So He could be our worth, adequacy and peace. He wants to be the Savior who picks up the broken and creates beauty; the Friend who stays an ever present help in the time of trouble, and the Father who cradles His child in the middle of the storm.
He doesn't require us to never break. Why do we expect it of ourselves?
Often I hear a sheepish note in the tones of social media posts and the voices of real-life conversations as well; admittance of uncertainty, hesitating on the brink of fear. "I know I shouldn't be afraid..." And, no, we don't have to be - but to feel badly for having emotion? That's not necessary. How you handle your emotion is the definition of you - but what you feel is not. You get to choose.
It took me so long to learn this truth, but the truth is unchanging nonetheless. PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR. Shame doesn't. Guilt doesn't. Those two words will crush you and press you down into a little ball of broken, "not-good-enough" pieces. It did me. And I don't want it happening to you.
So you, reading this. You have permission to come apart sometimes. You are allowed to be so broken that you fall down, shaking and begging God for the strength for one more day. It's okay if you're overwhelmed. It's okay if you're so tired of crying that it hurts to start again.
God doesn't ask you to hold your breath and pretend you're strong when you're not. You have permission right here, in this moment, to let the air enter your lungs again. Go ahead. Breathe. He's holding you.
If you could just close your eyes and rest your head against His shoulder; feel His love cradle your head. Hear him say your name...
This may feel like the end, but He says it's not. He's giving you a hope and a future; His ways are higher than yours.
Can you believe Him? He waits to carry your fear and your pain. He asks you to cast all your cares on Him - but remember, He doesn't guilt you for being hurt, or confused, or overtaken. Be honest with Him; be honest with yourself; be honest with the people around you.
Remember that we're all in this together. You are never alone.
5 comments:
This is a beautiful post and so well written(really you have such a knack for writing)
I been working really the past two years on trying to realize that it's okay to show emotions to cry, that it's okay to not be okay some times. I always wanted to be the strong one that helped everyone else, I never quite realized how much I could be hurting myself with impossibly high standers, I would get mad at myself for crying to really doing anything, because in my mind that's not what "strong" people do. Now I though I understand it's okay to cry to sometimes to cry out to God and ask Him for help to let Him carry me when I am weak.
Thank you Anna for written such a lovely blog and for always being so real in a time when so many aren't
-Rose
Thank you so much for taking the time to share this Rose!! Never be afraid to be authentic - everyone admires confident people who give themselves the freedom to really BE WHAT GOD MADE THEM. Always know that He loves you, not for what you do, but for who you are. ❤️❤️
Today I read the caption of this picture from a mother who went through a experience similar to yours and I think you could get some encouragement from her words. https://www.instagram.com/p/B-P_FgLFvaI/ (@katelynjames)
I will pray for you. May God be with you and your family.
What a wonderful, comforting, helpful and encouraging blog post! I'm so grateful you shared this with the Hearth and Soul Link party. It is definitely okay not to be together all the time. I hope that you are feeling more restored. This is new to all of us, and we have to be patient with ourselves.
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