Something that old people say to everyone who comes to visit them.
As an eight year old, I would smile politely at the phrase, inside rolling my eyes.
As an eighteen year old, I would nod and laugh agreeably, inside rolling my eyes.
As a twenty-three year old, I would do the same.
Not now.
If there's one thing I've learned in the past two months, it's that life is short. And fragile.
From days that start with racing footfalls to my bed...then whisk into evening sunsets and the gentle cool of night, I see that time is fleeting. In the knowing eyes of my two little girls, I find no trace of the small, helpless babies that they used to be. I realize that tomorrow comes faster than I thought. In the tiny little grave up at the top of the hill, I feel the ache of the unexpected.
"God, what do I do with this?"
Having watched a soul slip so gently and easily away from all the weary of this world, I have realized something that I always knew, but now, I know.
Life is fast. Life is small. In the Bible James describes our lives as being "but a vapor." Eyes widening, I see how real that statement is, for the first time.
Looking up past the pines, leaning as far into the perfect everlasting of endless sky, my heart begs to go home. "But first, Lord...let me work for you; let me raise these children for your glory; be a comfort to my family for your glory; lay my schedule aside for your glory - use me, for these hours and days and breaths that you give me here.
One life - just a vapor. One woman - just a housewife. One child of God - bound by divine appointment to this place...but only for a little while, before I find my way past the stars, and fall at the feet of my Heavenly Father.
Do I love Him well enough? Do I serve Him well enough? Am I yielding my whole self to His purpose for me? This whole existence of mine was appointed by HIM, after all. Who am I to try to find my own way and seek my own pleasure?!
In the shadow of death, life finds new meaning.
Maybe life isn't all completely about just being as comfortable as possible, because "After all, you only have so much time before you die, right?" Don't get me wrong: It is...but, it isn't. Maybe life is more about reaching beyond what makes you happy - stretching from comfort into pain - to be about the Father's business.
My world was shattered by the piercing knowledge that hard times are unavoidable. Sometimes life smashes you over the head with pain and suffering that seems pointless and unfair...but in the heart of a Christian, there is one small part...deep, deep down...that throws open its arms to embrace unexplainable hardship as predestined for greater good; that shoulders the cross and follows Jesus; that stretches out its' hands to the nails.
"God, this is for your glory! I'm waiting! I'm serving! I'm giving! Thy will be done!"
This enthusiasm is unusual in humanity; but in the gentle light of God's presence, at life's end, I imagine that no sacrifice feels too small, and no hardship feels too unfair.
The inconveniences, the interruptions, the heartaches, the hurts...things I used to hate and struggle against...now they look so different.
Re-evaluation is a good thing.
I feel compelled to explain myself here - I do absolutely believe in the grace of God - but let's keep a balance here. Grace took me from a life that I lived only for myself and gave me a love that I'd never experienced before; a love that makes me wants to give everything for the God who first loved me.
Wanting to do my best for the Kingdom can never erase the truth that my righteousness will never please an angry God, but through the blood of Jesus Christ, my imperfect offerings of love and service are accepted and treasured. They're done for love of Him.
"Lord, whatever you put me here for, let me fulfill it."
3 comments:
My sweet precious Anna,you are such a gifted person. I love to read your writings. Yes, the years fly by, time waits for no one. Life holds so much laughter and good times, but then it's also sprinkled with tears and sometimes deep sorrow at the loss of someone we love. But Jesus is always there to help us through the heart-ache. At those times we think we may never smile again, but by a lot of God's grace, and enough time, we find ourselves smiling once again. You are such a special grand daughter! All my love
Mamaw Skaggs
This is a beautiful post. ❤
Maybe life is more about reaching beyond what makes you happy - stretching from comfort into pain - to be about the Father's business.
Thank you for your lovely words. They have encouraged me today.
Revelation 19:7 KJVS
Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and *his wife* hath made herself ready.
^What a blessing to be His!
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