Too many impossible moments.
Overreacting? Maybe.
But that was my son, and this is my story.
Realizing that I couldn't stop the pain and react to the happenings of the last few months in a way that I felt was "reasonable" and "rational" well, it brought such shame.
I had never faced a trial that reached beyond "choosing joy" and "accepting God's will." There's a great deal of joyful moments to smile at, still, and I'm totally at peace that my baby is in a better place; alive and whole... I know that God has a better plan...
But this is my empty cradle. This is my dessert storm.
Every defense system that I ever had in place, fails me now. They don't make the feelings go away.
The complete disappointment in myself overcame me as anxiety attacks shook my body for hours at a time. Issues that I couldn't control became too much for me.
"Whatever happened to "Peace like a river" and "Joy unspeakable?" Those things are the fruits of the Spirit - I must be lacking incredibly."
Two things that helped me keep smiling through these days of torment (literally), were the antics of my little girls. So innocent, yet mischievous. So completely untouched by the hardship of a weary world, and full of hope for tomorrow.
One day I was in the laundry room and Hope (2) was leaning against the baby gate chatting importantly about everything and anything that little girls delight to say. I continued to fold clothes from the dryer and stack them on the washer, just like all the days before. Suddenly, cheerfully, she burst out in song:
"AAAAY....BEEE...CEEEE...DEEE....EEEE...EFFF....GEEE
AYCH...IIIIIYYYY...JAAAY....KAAAY...MUH-MUH-MUH-MUH...PEEEEE...."
She smiled irresistibly while she sang this, and I felt the warmth of that smile reflecting on my face, as my heart embraced her happiness. So completely not perfect, but my love for her covers the imperfections and embraces them entirely.
It struck me that God does the same for us.
When our strength is entirely gone, and we can't drag ourselves to happiness one. more. time. When the joy has dried up. When we can't lift up our heads to see "good" on the horizon. When every single day is swallowed up in impossibility... That's when His love for us covers our multitude of incapabilities. That's when He covers us with grace for one more day. That's when He still has our whole world in His hands, and is promising that it will all work out for good, even though we don't feel a thing.
It's crazy how God can use something as simple as the ABC's on laundry day to remind us that He still cares, and that His love with always be enough. He died to cover every sin and to heal every broken heart, and nothing is greater than His sacrifice.
Remember that today.
1 comment:
This is beautiful, Anna ❤️ Thank you for sharing!
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