WHEN GOD CRIES | THE DAY MY LITTLE BOY DIED

"...Oh God...How do I comprehend this?"

The room was so still. I stared at the gray hospital walls with an aching numbness fogging my brain.

"...Oh...my baby." 

I looked down at the little form in my hands. So still. So perfect. So complete.

"How do all the prayers, and promises, and hope that I lived for in these past months...how do they lay here in this little blanket, so still and cold?"

My little boy. He was so perfect on the ultrasound screen the day before. I couldn't believe how perfect he was; couldn't wait to take the picture home and show Ethan.

Now here he is. Here he isn't. Born to early to live.

"...God how? How do I get over this? How do I make this ache stop?"

Hushed tones, a knock at the door...I knew the time had come.

I handed my son to the nurse for the last time, and everything inside me died, as she cradled him in her hands and took him away from me.

"...Oh God..   ...Oh my baby..."

I wept.

There are some things that the human mind cannot comprehend. Some questions that there are no natural answers for. "Why was my little boy born alive and complete, only to lay over my heart and die?" "How is God good when you beg Him to save your baby and He doesn't?" "Is God really in control, if He takes the child that He promised that I'd hold after so many months of praying to get pregnant?"

"...I trust you Lord...I can't understand this...but I know you're good." 

Riding home that night, exhausted and aching to our very souls, a song came over the stereo. We looked at each other and knew it was for us.

"Bowing to your will
Before your throne of grace,
Though enemies surround me
There is so safer place
Than surrender...I surrender.

This is not my battle,
This is not my war,
I don't have to worry 
Or fight it anymore...

You have gone before me
And I will sing Your song, 
Trusting in the victory 
You've already won...

...It's yours....Amen." 

Only heaven will reveal the complete answer to why this incredible hurt has to be a part of our story; but with all my heart, I believe that the reasons we cannot see are bigger than any question the human mind can hold.

Why did this happen? Because the Father has a plan, and His ways are higher than mine.

How is God good, when He allows this kind of torment in our lives? Because He is. Our physical and mental perception of "Good" cannot grasp the kindness and love of our Heavenly Father.

He is, after all, a Father - knowing what His children can handle; knowing what the future would have held with our little boy, and knowing now, what it will be without him. As a child must trust his mother and father when he doesn't understand, so I must trust my Heavenly Father, though I don't understand.

Is God in control? Undeniably. I see His hand in my physical recovery, in the funeral arrangements that fell together in an instant - in the three times that He obviously and perfectly spared my family's lives in the last week...I'm here and at rest, because of His strength. Over and over He reminds me in simple ways that He loves me, and that this is for His glory.

Days passed quickly, and after all the whirlwind of planning and arranging the funeral for our child, we stole away from the crowd one last time, and went quietly back up the hill to his little grave; beneath the cross.

I knelt down beside him and laid my hand on the earth above his casket. Everything inside me crumbled. I wanted to get him out; to hold him one more time. Was he cold? Was he hungry? Was he lonely? All of my momma instincts clawed at my heart, while my spirit wrestled against them, knowing he was alright.

We went home and willed ourselves through the rest of the day. It wasn't until some time later, in a quiet moment, that I began to remember the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead.

 Days before Jesus had slowly walked to that weary little home in Bethany, He had known that death was coming. He knew that the friend whom He loved was suffering. He knew Lazarus' family was grieving and confused. He was not unaware or immune to the hurt, but He knew that this painful chapter in their lives would serve a deeper and greater purpose than immediate healing ever could.

Finally making His way to the graveside, at the Father's command, He was not callous or hardened to the weeping sisters. He understood the overwhelming ache of their broken hearts and He felt the pain that seemed to swallow up every hope for the future.

Even knowing that this was "For the glory of God", He came to the grave of His friend, and wept.

And in that quiet moment, I realized that Ethan and I were not the only ones whose hearts were breaking, alone in that hospital room. Even though this has been done "That the glory of God might be accomplished" in some way, I believe that we were not the only ones there, weeping over our perfect child, as his heart finally stopped beating, and death crept over his tiny form.

I wonder if Jesus wasn't wiping the tears from the His eyes as he gently received the spirit of my baby and held it to His heart.

"Grave, where is your victory?"

How could I not Love a God like this?

He cares, friends. And no matter what you're going through, or how dark your day might seem, know that His love is greater, and His reasons are greater, and His plans for you are greater than whatever valley He is leading you through.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me..."

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WHEN GOD CRIES | THE DAY MY LITTLE BOY DIED