Tuesday, October 15, 2013


I felt broken. What happened to the little-girl simplicity that I used to have? Everything is so mysterious and complicated at this point in life. People's feelings and thoughts mingle deeply, like tree roots, far beneath the ground. Decisions, pressures, character flaws, problems, changes, solutions...they all swirl like a silent pool of water - deep and unknown questions.
I lay my head on the pillow. I'd never understand it. I'd never be the girl I really wanted to be.
I looked at myself and I looked at who I was supposed to be - who I really desired to be - and saw so much lacking. Where I wanted confidence, I felt only fear. Where I wanted strength, I saw complete weakness. Where I wanted wisdom, I only remembered, with torment, all the things that I'd ever said that weren't right.
I hated me. For my weakness. For who I was. For my mistakes.
Something told me that it didn't have to be this way. Underlying, I knew people did love me, I knew God forgave me of all I ever did wrong, I knew He made me with this, creative, different personality for a reason; that it was a good reason - but I just couldn't forgive or accept myself with this  parade of flaws and mistakes constantly scrolling through my mind.
I wanted to be free. I knew God wanted His children to be at peace, to not worry, to trust and rejoice. He didn't give us the spirit of bondage, to fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
  I'd seen this crush others who couldn't accept who God made them. I'd seen how miserable they'd become. I'd seen how they were believing what wasn't true - feeling alone, in a world of people who cared about them.
I didn't want that.
When I prayed, I really didn't know if I could be free from these fears. It was part of my personality to think deeply, love deeply and hurt deeply. But a scripture came to mind "Nothing shall be impossible with God." Further than that, the Sunday service whispered hope to me, and, finally, in my morning devotions I read about how God doesn't want us to just wish for things, He wants us to stand on His promises and believe His Word.
Why am I sharing something so personal? Because I know that there are many of us who feel like we're different and unaccepted. Most people do, I've come to realize. We're shocked when we find out that someone actually cares about us. We're afraid that if people saw us make one, little mistake, they'd tear us to shreds. We're afraid we don't matter.
This writing isn't a complaint, but a testimony. I just wanted you to know, that you can be free, like I am, today.
"How?" you say, wondering if it's true. (If you're like I was, you've exhausted every mental exercise that ought to have made you know how loved and amazing you really are.)
I could continue this pattern and give you a few scripture verses, but what you really need is for the verses to come alive. You have to get desperate and start crying out to God.
"Ask and you shall receive." Sometimes it takes a while before the answer comes, but if you know nothing can hinder your prayer, just keep waiting on God and overcome the doubts "by the blood of the lamb and the word of your testimony." Praise God for your victory (that's on the way!) and keep hanging on no matter how long it takes.
It's His will for us to be happy. It's His will for us to be at peace. It's His will for us to be overcomers
 He paid the price for your freedom - you don't have to live in bondage. What are you waiting for?
I'm telling you - it's wonderful.


Mom said...

This is a beautiful post, Anna! God is truly an ever present help in the time of trouble. You are loved more than you will ever know and I'm so thankful He made you just the way you are!

Elizabeth said...

Thank you for sharing this! It is so encouraging and lovely to read your blog posts.

I was reminded of this verse:
Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

John 8:31-32

Judy Judith said...

I just love how I visit your blog just at the right time! thank you for sharing this. God bless you and keep on writing and posting, it goes a mighty long way in somebody's life :)
I'm glad I stumbled upon your blog a while back, I enjoy reading your posts and getting encouragement just when I need it.
Have a good week!

Anna said...

Thank you so much, everyone!

Judy Judith: I so appreciate your encouragement! I had gotten so discouraged with blogging (plus there've been a few interesting circumstances in MY life of late). Your comment was such a blessing to me! You'll never know how timely and needful it was.
God Bless You and Keep trusting in Jesus!