Tuesday, June 19, 2018

If We're Honest | We Find The Strength

I was ashamed. The groggy realization folded over, soft and engulfing. It was thick and hard to swallow.

I'm not enough. 

"Two kids and a house - how is that too much for one full grown person?"I berated myself.  "How is that impossible. How? "

But it was.

"Nonsensical", "pansy" views were never welcome in my head before: "I am mom. It's my job."  "I got this."  "All things through Christ."  "One thing at a time. " "I'll be okay tomorrow, let's just handle today..."

But standing there for that split second, soaking up the big picture, all that resolve was gone.

No more.

Nobody really understands what it means to stay at home with kids unless they've done it. Especially little ones.

I couldn't read my Bible without interruption, and a half hour of prayer time seemed like a far away dream. There's clean clothes, but they're not in the drawers where they belong. There's food, but it's near insanity to get it on the table.

 I smile, offer warm hugs, sing songs...

But I'm bone dry. I've given everything I have. All the strength, all the purpose, all my optimism...and here I am,  void of strength, and even the will to do any more than I've done already today. And it's only 1:00 in the afternoon.

Dear God, what's wrong with me?

And I bend down and pick up the babydoll, and the two legos. I'm too tired to cry, or I would.

You know, looking back: If an angel had come down to me in that moment and stood right there in my living room while I was shaming myself for weakness and tiredness and pathetic housekeeping, I really don't think he would have struck me down dead.

I don't think God would have looked down at the bed that wasn't made and shook his head. You know what I learned from that day? If you are where I was - where I am now, honestly... listen to this.

It's okay. 

Deep breath in...

...Let it go.

It's alright to not have the laundry folded.

It's not wrong to feel like you can't handle one more whine.

It's okay that she spit sidewalk chalk all over her cute outfit.

You're not enough for this, no.

You're struggling and nobody sees. That's okay.

You are more than a housekeeper: You're a Mom. You think you know what that means - you think you have to do it all, cross every "T" and dot every "I" or people will talk. That's not it.

You're giving everything you've got to every category on the list, every slot in the schedule - you can't. This is too big for you.

Come to me, you who are weary and heaven laden. Let me hold you for a minute. Let me hear what nobody else does.

You're pressed above measure. You're tired, ashamed of being tired. Angry with yourself for not doing more, but you...just...can't.

You're not enough. I still am.

Hold on to me. Let the idea of satisfying everyone around you slip away. Be free for this moment. Call out my name. It's a safe place for you; a resting place for you.

Lift up from it all, tune it out. It'll be there when you come down, still waiting - but my strength will become your own. One more dish. One more diaper. Grace to speak calmly when those babies need your attention. I'll get you through this. Hold on.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I. Love. This. I only have one... she's only 2 and a half months old. But there is so much truth! HIS STRENGTH is made perfect in my weakness! Thanks for the encouragement girl ~Mamph

Anna said...

You're so welcome, girly! You're in my prayers. <3

Anonymous said...

Such a wonderfully encouraging post. I appreciate your being so transparent. We have all been there and had those days. He is ever faithful and waiting so patiently to extend His love, strength and grace to us. There’s no way we can do it all and be it all. That’s God’s job. “My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Love you and praying that God sends someone to be my hands again.
~Mom

Anonymous said...

Listening to this message this morning. It truly is the answer we need in times like this.
http://vgrm4a.branham.org/ENG/59-0412E%20What%20Hearest%20Thou%20Elijah%20VGR.m4a

Anonymous said...

Hello, this post is old, I know. But I remember so much when my two kids where younger and I felt this way.. I am Believing in Christ too and I feel very blessed to read your thoughts. I read your new post too and find it very inspiring. Blessings from Germany. Andrea