Wednesday, September 20, 2017

The Fall Has Come | The Shed Must Go

I couldn’t shake the edgy feeling, while walking down the hill to the shed. Locusts sang in their sultry hot-weather buzzzzzzzz. Every nerve was tense. Any rock, every doorway; I always looked.

Nobody else would have thought a thing, around here. Snakes are a part of life. I chided myself for being so nervous. Still, feeling the grass under my feet, I remembered the other creepy crawlies that had been all too real and close lately: the slimy orange salamander, the darting striped lizards on the porch, that thing that was gnawing on the wood under our house…the huge black spider that had made me stomach-sick for an hour after finding it in the doorway…

Who knew what was crawling around in the scrap pile. 

And I found myself silently at the edge of it, with the metal in my hand. My pulse came hard, while sunshine smiled kindly, caressingly down; reminding me that things weren’t all that bad. I would live. 

I looked hard — but at the same time tried not to see anything. There was an upturned metal something-or-other a few feet away. Sweet. I wouldn’t have to go any closer. Gratefully, I made a good, swinging toss. 

The metal clanged hard and exploded in black, writhing ribbons. 

It’s not an easy thing to run when you’re 24 weeks pregnant with an aching sciatic and two swollen feet. It was all I could see, as my heavy feet took me up the hill. The loud report of the metal, the flying blackness - and there was some kind of noise that ran with me; something between a scream and a Trojan battle cry . It was ugly. It was terrifying. But it was me. 

He grinned, as I finished by declaring that I was never going outside again. 

 “Maaaaaaaannnn I wish I coulda been there.”

This is the difference between a Northern Girl and a Southern Boy. Fall has nearly killed me this year since my two favorite creepers (Spiders and Snakes) have had a very long growing season and are pretty fat and sassy. Worse, they’re seeking winter homes in the old nasty sheds that the former owner of our property erected and left for us. We live waaaaaaay out in the country, so that means the mice and field rats are also pretty excited about warm woodsheds that are out-of-the weather. 

As the leaves slowly turn to vibrant splendor, Hotel La Shed is filling up with residents. Three times I have declared “I AM NEVER SETTING FOOT IN THAT SHED AGAIN!” And this last time was, actually, the last time. I have problems with spiders as round as Starbucks Muffins. (If it’s even lawful to compare something as nice as a muffin to something as nasty as a spider…)

Ethan is unphased. He told me the bigger ones that he’d seen were wrapped around 2x4’s under houses when he used to do HVAC. 

Winter, I beg of thee: COME SOON. 

The most wonderful news is that we’re tearing those nasty, pointless sheds down and disposing of the scrap pile. Which is to say; that ETHAN will be tearing down those nasty pointless sheds and disposing of the scrap pile. I suggested dynamite, but he’s sticking with the conventional, sane versions of building demolition. I’m glad my husband is braver than me. (Yes. I know. But I used “braver” instead of “more brave” because it sounds better.) 

If I die of sheer terror before frost nips those snakes into their holes for the rest of the year, please serve cappuccino at my funeral, and DO NOT let some stranger fix my hair. 

Por Favor. 


Anna said...

...And for the record: My feet weren't hideously swollen the way they were the day before and my sciatic was behaving itself pretty well that day. #Yayforextrawater Today is a different story.

Just to keep things in correct perspective;)

Unknown said...

Actually, I love the old wood character of the shed!
I loved the one he already removed!
The block one, yeah it needs to go, but the mouse homestead is way cute!
Just needs a little TLC and a good reason for the mouse to find another home!
Ethan would have loved that scene for sure!