Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Workout Dictionary

Abs - the ache that begins at your upper torso and ends in a sick knot.
Burn - "Feel it!" the instructor shouts. Believe me I am.
Cardio - A creative sort of suicide.
Dumb bell - How you feel for trying this at all.
Effort - What do you mean "faster?!" I'm here, aren't I?
Fit - What this proves you're not.
Grip - That slippery, shaky thing that keeps giving way after the 892nd rep.
Healthy - What you'll be - if you live to see the morning, that is.
Imagination - Pretending you don't feel as you do. Seeing the countryside in your minds eye:: The birds, the sky, cows in the pasture, fluffy white clouds, hills, flowers - Oh,thepain... - Ice cream, pizza, chocolate chips...
Jump - Burning thighs + grinding calf muscles.
Knowledge - If you had a little, you probably wouldn't have bothered.
Leader - The unconscious recipient of many caustic glares and sarcastic remarks. (Gasped out between "Jump squats" and "Circle Run".)
More - What do you mean "More?" I don't have any more...

Nausea - It creeps up on you in the middle of one of those "Extended Leg Stretches"
Outstanding participation - "Yes. I feel like I deserve an National Award from the President about now. I'll be waiting on my death bed. Hopefully he won't be too late."
Pulse - The thing you feel flicking like a light switch that drank expresso.
Rest - The 30 seconds of reflection, between methodical agonies, wherein you wonder "So, why am I doing this, again?"
Strong - How you'll smell.
Therapy - You'll need it when you get done.
Unbelievable - The word you'll gasp when the instructor says "REPEAT THAT SEQUENCE!" in an exuberant tone.
Vulnerable - What you'll be, lying on the kitchen floor, gasping for breath, too weak to stand. (Yes. I've been there before.)
Weights - "That so easily beset..."
X-rays - "Mmhmm...that was a nasty spill you took. Looks like your spine is snapped. Too many high-impact exercises..."
Yes! - Falling to your knees, lifting your eyes heavenward and clasping your hands, this is what you'll say when you've survived the whole, awful thing.
Zone - "Is your pulse back in the zone?" the instructor asks. You glare at the screen in agony.
Ladies, you must understand that this is written in the highest forms of exaggeration. I, obviously, agree that one ought to exercise...but I've just finished a rigorous routine that turned my face purply-red and caused my knees to give way all by themselves. THIS IS HOW I FEEL.
So there.

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