Monday, October 10, 2011


"I don't think I'll be over it in a week" - I wrote in my new journal, before signing off.

I was horribly, dreadfully, terribly glum that day. One of my best friends was getting married and this had been the last time she would be at church for a long time. I thought I would be able to handle it - but nope. All the talk about "stepping into a new chapter" and coping without mom and staying busy sounded more like funeral talk than joyful celebration to me...and I cried.

I climbed out of our van after laying my journal on my seat, feeling something that resembled forlorn gratefulness for the time I could still spend with my family before I too would face that dreadful marrying day.

I imagined a blur of white beside tall black almost up an aisle, then I could feel tears sliding down my face as my heart ached to run back and hug my mom again and heard Dad say "Her mother and I" as he "gave me away". There was someone ahead of me who I loved very much, but I felt torn in two as I realized that by joining him, I was leaving six others that I loved almost, if not, as deeply.

The sun shone down on the park with a glorious heat that felt like a healing balm to my wretched heart as I walked over to the pavilion behind the rest of my family. The wind blew soothingly in the trees, and the powerful rush of smooth water could be heard nearby.

I sat down and soaked in the warmth, and wished, that we could stay here forever, content, with the water and the wind, the sunshine, and each other.

After lunch, we all went for a walk. We were by the river through the whole thing, and my dread filled thoughts had drifted away for the present.

I saw the trees, bending over the water and was reminded of Psalm one, part of which I have copied:

" 1.Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.

2.But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.

3.And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper."

I smiled to myself, loving this place that made me feel so close the the Lord. I don't know how, or why, but it reminded me of heaven.

We continued on to a point where there were big rocks sticking up out of the river.

I lept (leapordlike, of course, stealthily, gracefully *wink*) onto one of these and let my feet dangle in the water.

A song had been singing itself over and over in my mind for a little while, and now it seemed to come more strongly;

"Some through the water
Some through the flood
Some through the fire
But all through the blood
Some through great sorrow
But God gives a song
In the night season
And all the day long."

Today, though still saddled with the bold taste of reality, I remember that I won't leave behind everything if I am to marry. Though it might be painful, I'll still have the one who knows how to comfort me best, and loves me the most. He's the only thing that really matters, and as long as I have Him - no, as long as He has me - then I can have peace about today, tomorrow, and whatever is after that.

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want."


Emily Rachelle said...

I love your imagery and the emotion in this, but I must say, it's the first blog post I've seen that dicusses the sad aspect of a wedding.

Anna said...

Thanks, Emily Rachelle!

I know! Until yesterday I was only slightly aware of this sad aspect,but my eyes have been opened, so to speak, and - as you can see - I've learned a good lesson. :)

Bailey said...

Beautiful, beautiful post, Anna.

I think about this a lot. And I've come to the conclusion that though there will be nerves and sadness on the wedding day, if you're marrying the right guy, you will be so in love and so in God's will that that will be the most overwhelming feeling.

At least I hope so. :P

Anna said...

Well said Bailey. :)

Jenny said...

I remember missing my family some, but I was so excited to leave and cleave. It was such an adventure (and it still is)!

On the bright side, at least most of us will be able to see our families post-wedding day--unlike Rachel, Leah, and Rebekah of Genesis. Can you *imagine*? Wow.

Virginia said...

I've thought of all this and more, Maybe that's why I'm not crying... at least I haven't yet. I'm going to miss you Anna!!!

Anna said...

Well, good job Virginia! I'm rather proud of you. :D (Really.)

I think there's going to be a lot of missing on our end of the deal too. :/

Anna said...

Mrs. Green: Ack! That would be SO hard... thank the Lord for modern conveniences!